Today I forgot my underwear.

Seriously.  It felt like a bad dream.  Like one of those when you get up in front of an audience to speak to them about a spiritual topic and then half-way through your speech you realize that the audience  doesn't have their heads bowed in awe of your talents but rather because you have no clothes on!   Or you look up and realize that you are fully clothed but your audience is naked.  I'm not sure which is worse.  I suppose it depends on who is in the audience.  Did I mention that all your teeth fall out too?

I really wanted to fit in a workout today because I'm slightly obsessed but that is an entirely different post.  Things were really tight to make an appointment today so I decided to shower and get ready at the gym, then pick up the kids and run them to Robert in quick-get-away style. I got myself showered and got ready to change and realized that I had packed earrings, perfume, lotion, two different types of lip-gloss but no underwear.  I felt like a loose woman walking out of the gym without my underthings.  Then I saw a sight that made me feel a bit better, a woman in a tube-top with zero support happily bouncing on a treadmill.   She had to know that 3/4 quarters of her chest was free and easy, right?  Let's just say a few more bounces and it could have been the LVAC topless extravaganza.  So I walked out of the gym sans underwear debating whether or not I would join the woman in a gyrating dance and if men would stuff twenties down my knee-length shorts.  Just so you know, I decided against joining her (although if the men had been offering a cadbury mini-eggs...) and I did go home and remedy my (ahem) situation before going to my appointment.

Toilets: The common denominator

Toilet #1--Inappropriate use
Does anyone else's Husband sing songs about B.M. in the toilet?  Just wondering.  Anyway, on a totally different point.  I consider myself a fairly nice, non-judgemental person--with the notable exception of the lady today in the gym bathroom doing inappropriate stretching.  I did judge her. (Who stretches in the bathroom?  We are at the GYM for goodness sakes.  They have mats and stuff for that.  Also, if you can't do it on a  public mat, you shouldn't do it in the public bathroom.)  Seriously though, I try hard not to judge people and make snap decisions about them.  I like to give them a chance.


Toilet#2--Feeling like one
The two people who read my blog, might remember a post I made a few posts back about a woman, her boobs and her brand-spanking new intimate hardware, ahem.  I would include a link to the afore mentioned post but I am to embarrassed and also very lazy.  Yesterday, while Max was improving his speech, I was reminded of what a shit I can be.  I had a nice conversation with the lady, let's call her Madame M.  Anyway, Madame M is lonely, has learning disabilities and was crying about how bad she feels that her son can't speak.  And the cherry on top, (TA DA) this lonely woman is my NEIGHBOR.  I really wanted to crawl under my chair and hide.  I felt like I was back in High School with zits and toilet paper attached to my shoe.  In my thirty-odd years, I still haven't learned anything.  I invited her to book club and I will no longer hide behind a book during Max's speech therapy.


Toilet#3- Breaking
A couple days ago, I was bragging to my cute SIL about how Max takes himself to the bathroom.  Well, this is what can happen when you leave your 3 year-old alone in the bathroom:  

(Let's not even talk about the aiming issues!)








Toilet #4--Missing 

My heart is literally breaking for this sweet kid.   Jackson is reading a book to Max in this picture.  He is also having his own potty issues of which he is so embarrassed he can't look me in the face to tell me about them.  In fact, he stands behind me so I can't see him.  It is starting to affect him at school and he is feeling ostracized by his classmates and friends.  He cried.  I don't know what to do.  I am trying to help him solve the problem but it is tough.  It hurts me.  It really, really does.





And to echo my Husband's favorite potty song: "BM in the TOILET!!"

I'm surrounded!

I haven't posted about the delights of my gym going experience for awhile so I have decided to remedy that with this little nugget:

Dear Chubby Lady who sat next to me in Spin class today,

Please do not sing along to the songs while we are riding our bikes. It irritates me. You are not working hard enough if you can sing! Spin is not a recreational singing class. It is HARDCORE! Besides it is confusing because it really isn't over when the fat lady sings... it keeps going on and on and on and on....

Sincerely,

Erica who is grumpy when sweaty.

Dear nice older man with the crotch sweat stain,

I realize as a lady it is unseemly for me to notice this. However, I think you may have a particular problem because it is extremely difficult to miss as your bottom was in my line of sight for an entire hour. Khaki shorts aren't really the way to go if you want to hide bum sweat. It happens to all of us, we just hide it better. I would appreciate it if you would change your attire so that my ride could be a little more aesthetically pleasing.

Thank you,

No-where-to-look E.

Spastic Spandex Alert

Since Valentine's day is coming up, and since I know you all love men in spandex tights here's a little eye candy tip for you:  Wednesday, 10 a.m., my gym, man in full length purple spandex pants complete with pink thunderbolts and sweat band to match.  Enjoy.

Question?

 Q. What kind of woman does her make-up  in the public gym locker room with a mini skirt on and strappy yellow heels and NO SHIRT--not even a bra?

A.  The kind that likes to admire her double D boob job in the mirror? And wants you to admire it too?